Remnants of Trauma in a Toxic Relationship

Hello, Dear Readers!

Welcome to my second blog post.

“Trauma has its own way of sticking.” The metaphorical use of “sticking” implies that these effects can be difficult to shake off. The deeply distressing experiences have a unique ability to persist in the person’s consciousness, which influences our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors over an extended period making it strenuous to heal or not to heal at all. It takes away from the identity of a person, losing their authentic self, making a shift from their core, from who they were!

Each individual may respond and cope with trauma uniquely. Recognizing these issues is important to be able to seek help from a therapist, coach, or a support group who can provide a safe space for developing coping strategies and rebuilding a sense of Self.

For me, the realization that I was a victim came after a long time of living it. India is a patriarchal society; the male role belief system is penetrated deep into the societal norms and values. Man is born to rule and lead, hence has the right to exert his power and control whereas the woman is there to serve and produce children. These norms are changing as Urban India is expanding and women are getting more empowered, but the speed of change is insignificant. The situation is no different in developed countries, irrespective of whether they follow patriarchy or matriarchy. The rigid data on domestic abuse victims is live evidence. The governments irrespective of spending millions and billions of dollars to provide institutionalized services to the victims and survivors to control the disease are not able to contain the numbers as the root cause of the issue remains untapped at mass societal levels and education levels which is the only way to help prevent the problem.

The Impact of Trauma and the Remnants:

The impact of the trauma is huge and devastating. The victim feels used, betrayed, and manipulated. The scars of violating their trust and loyalty remain for a lifetime if the person is not able to move forward. It kills the body, mind, and soul, all of it. It’s not the victim alone who suffers, the children go through misery too. They remain confused, insecure, form trust and relationship issues, get into bad company, and sometimes are involved with substance abuse and criminal behavior. My own identity was diminished when I was in a toxic relationship. My life was a big zero and there was nothing that I could do. Nothing was in my control. I was isolated from my family, manipulated, and made feel useless. Even after leaving the perpetrator, remains of hurt piled up like huge stones on my chest, as they were sitting deep in my body and mind.

Some of what I went through may resonate with you.

Physical stress and symptoms: Trauma can manifest physically, leading to symptoms such as headaches, fatigue, digestive issues, and sleep disturbances. These physical manifestations may persist even after the toxic relationship has ended. I had become physically weak and frail. I was at its lowest ebb.

Emotional distress: Individuals may experience a range of intense emotions, including fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, guilt, and shame. These emotions can be overwhelming and may persist for some time after leaving the toxic relationship.

• Low self-esteem: Toxic relationships often involve manipulation and control, which can lead to a diminished sense of self-worth. Exiting such a relationship does not automatically restore self-esteem, and individuals may struggle with feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness.

• Trust issues: Betrayal or deception in a toxic relationship can erode trust. Exiting the relationship may not immediately rebuild trust in others, and individuals may find it challenging to open to new people or form new relationships.

• Flashbacks and intrusive thoughts: Trauma can manifest as intrusive memories or thoughts about toxic relationships. Flashbacks may be triggered by reminders of the past, leading to a re-experiencing of distressing emotions and events.

• Difficulty setting boundaries: Toxic relationships often involve boundary violations. After leaving, individuals may find it challenging to establish and enforce healthy boundaries in new relationships or even in other areas of their lives.

• Isolation: Individuals may withdraw from social activities and relationships as a way of protecting themselves from potential harm. Isolation can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and contribute to the difficulty of forming new connections.

• Cognitive distortions: Negative thought patterns and distorted beliefs about oneself and others may persist after leaving a toxic relationship. These cognitive distortions can contribute to ongoing emotional distress and may require therapeutic intervention.

Healing Process:

Healing is a very personalized journey that is based on an individual's coping capabilities. Since the capabilities are diminished in the toxic relationship, it takes time to pick those up. I will share some tools to cope and heal in my next Blog Post -3.

Key Takeaways for My Readers:

1. Take guidance from a medical practitioner or a therapist or alternately work with a good coach for personal growth.

2. Educate yourself and don’t fall into the manipulations of the perpetrator, look for signs.

3. If the perpetrator refuses to seek medical help, time to pack bags and walk out safely.

4. The children suffer in toxic broken families. Their psyche is affected adversely, resulting in deviant behaviors. It’s your responsibility to bring them up as good human beings.

5. Don’t start dating immediately after, to help with your pain. Give time to heal and gain more knowledge of what changes you need to make before you fall into the same cycle.

Call to Action: If you're struggling with a toxic relationship, know that you're not alone. There are state-funded resources, mental health specialists, and therapists available to support. And professional coaches like me offer one-on-one, online coaching to get back your hope, desire, power, and resilience, and guide you on your journey. Please feel free to reach out for support.

1. For my memoir, please visit kanchanbhaskar.com

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