Ending any relationship can be tough, but extricating oneself from a toxic, controlling, and manipulative relationship can be an especially confusing and arduous process. You may find yourself still missing your ex, even though you know the relationship was unhealthy. This is a completely normal response. There are psychological reasons why you might be struggling to let go and move on, such as romanticizing your ex, making them the center of your universe, or believing no one else will want you. Understanding these reasons is the first step to overcoming the obsession. Embracing self-love and empowerment is crucial in this process. By acknowledging the positive traits your ex had, while also recognizing their serious flaws, you can begin to heal from the trauma. This self-awareness allows you to create space for a healthier relationship and reinforces your own worth and power in seeking a fulfilling future.

Understanding Reasons Behind Obsession

As you navigate the aftermath of a toxic relationship, it's essential to understand the psychological reasons behind your obsession with your ex. This awareness can be the key to breaking free and moving forward.

Romanticizing Your Ex and Holding on to False Hope

You may still be clinging to the hope that your ex will change and give you the relationship of your dreams. This is an illusion you need to shed before you can truly move on. Give yourself a reality check by making a list of all the toxic behaviors and actions your ex displayed, and read it regularly to remind yourself of their real personality. Holding on to false hope prevents you from accepting the relationship was unhealthy and making the necessary changes.

Making Your Partner the Center of Your Universe

If you became overly invested in and obsessed with your partner, making them the center of your universe, this can leave a gaping void when the relationship ends. You may have based your whole life and identity around trying to solve your partner's problems, such as if they were a drug addict. Without this caregiving role, you may feel lost and want them back so you can resume it. This co-dependent dynamic is unhealthy and prevents you from developing your own identity and interests.

Believing No One Else Will Want You

If you were in an emotionally abusive relationship, your partner may have damaged your self-esteem to the point where you believe no one else will find you desirable. Holding a low opinion of yourself can lead you to conclude you'll be alone forever without your partner. Remind yourself that the cruel things your ex said reflect their personality, not your worth. Abusive people tear down their victims' self-esteem to maintain control.

Acknowledging Their Positive Traits

It's important to acknowledge that your ex may have had some positive qualities, as this is likely why you fell in love with them in the first place. Few people are completely evil, and your ex may have sometimes made you feel genuinely happy. However, this doesn't change the fact that they were ultimately an unhealthy influence. Your relationship with your ex was a learning experience that showed you both the kind of traits you like in a partner, as well as the red flags to watch out for in the future.

Strategies to Overcome Obsessive Thoughts

To stop obsessing over your toxic ex, you need to focus on visualizing the kind of ideal partner you truly want to be with. Imagine someone who brings out the best in you, makes you feel calm and supported, and values all your quirks and intricacies. Envision what a healthy, mutually respectful relationship with this person would feel like. Remind yourself that this is not just a dream, but a real possibility if you seek out the right person for you.

Let Go of the Grudge

Time doesn't heal all wounds, and you could still be haunted by old fights and regrets from your past relationship. However, dwelling on the past won't change anything - the relationship is over. Make a conscious effort to forgive your ex and take the relationship for what it was, without constantly replaying the good, bad, and ugly moments in your head. Holding on to a grudge only keeps you stuck in the past and prevents you from truly moving forward.

Understand Difference Between Obsession and Intuition

Even after maintaining distance and trying to move on, you may find your mind constantly circling back to your ex. Before assuming this is a sign you're meant to be together, consider whether this is actually just your brain's way of obsessing over the relationship, rather than a deeper intuition. Distinguish between the positive feelings you may be reminiscing about and the reality of the toxic dynamic. These intrusive thoughts are likely a sign that you still have residual issues to work through, not an indication that you should reconcile.

Plan New Goals

While you can't go back and change the past, the future holds endless possibilities. One of the best ways to stop obsessing over your toxic ex is to set new goals for yourself and focus on the future. Plan a trip with friends, enroll in an online course you've been wanting to take, or pursue any other new endeavor that excites you. When you have something positive to look forward to, it becomes easier to shift your focus away from the past and towards building the life you want.

Consider Talking to Someone New

While it's not the best idea to jump into a new relationship right away, being open-minded and open to talking to someone new can help you move forward. You don't have to dive into a romantic relationship immediately, but simply getting to know a new person can be a great way to expand your horizons and remind yourself that there are plenty of potential partners out there. Even if you start with the intention of just being friends, opening yourself up to a new connection can help distract you from constantly dwelling on your ex.

Addictive Nature of Toxic Relationships

One key reason why people can become "addicted" to toxic ex-partners is the principle of intermittent reward. Just like a cat or rat that becomes compulsively attached to a lever that only sometimes delivers a treat, people can become hooked on relationships where the positive treatment is rare and unpredictable. The rarity of the "rewards" like affection or kindness from a toxic partner can make them feel more valuable and compelling, even if the relationship is ultimately unhealthy. This behavioral conditioning can keep people trapped in a cycle of obsession and attachment.

Addictive Amnesia 

Another factor that contributes to the addictive nature of toxic relationships is "addictive amnesia" - the tendency for people to forget the negative consequences and only remember the positive aspects when in the throes of desire. The dopamine surge associated with the memory of past good times with an ex can block out realistic recollections of the pain and disappointment they caused. This amnesia for the downside of the relationship makes it feel more compelling in the moment. To overcome this, it's important to consciously "spoil the trance" by vividly remembering the full reality of the toxic dynamic, not just the romanticized memories.

Moving On and Creating Space

One helpful practice for letting go of a toxic ex is to write them a letter expressing all your feelings - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Pour your heart out onto the paper, then fold the letter, burn it, and bury it. This letting go ritual symbolizes a complete release of the relationship across space and time. The act of physically destroying the letter can help you feel a sense of closure and liberation, allowing you to move forward.

Cleaning and decluttering your physical environment can also aid the process of releasing the past and breaking attachments. Sell or donate any gifts you received from your ex, and burn any letters or other physical reminders. While you may feel resistance to this, it's a crucial step in creating space and detaching from the past. Your physical surroundings are a reflection of what you're giving mental and emotional space to, so clearing them out can help you move on.

Have Clarity About your Goals

Take time to write down exactly how you want to feel in your life and relationships going forward. Do you want to feel alive, filled with laughter, supported, loving, and understood? Get specific about the feelings and experiences you desire, as this will guide you in creating a new, healthier path. Being clear on your relationship needs will help you recognize when a potential partner or relationship is a good fit.

Start Filling the Empty Space

Now that you've created space by letting go of the toxic relationship, start filling that space with activities and connections that align with how you want to feel. Dedicate time to your passions and interests, whether that's writing, dancing, or anything else that makes you come alive. As you invest in yourself and build a new life, the right people will be drawn to your positive energy and sense of purpose, helping you attract the right people and build the healthy relationships you deserve.

Conclusion

Letting go of a toxic relationship and overcoming the obsession can be a challenging process, but it is a necessary step towards healing and creating the life you deserve. By understanding the psychological reasons behind your attachment, employing specific strategies to overcome obsessive thoughts, and taking active steps to move on and create space, you can break free from the cycle of toxicity. Remember that you are worthy of healthy, fulfilling relationships, and have the power to attract the right people into your life.

The importance of acknowledging the reasons for your attachment, implementing practical techniques to manage the obsession, and actively pursuing a future filled with positive connections. This approach offers a path forward, providing encouragement to let go of the past and embrace the hope for a brighter future.

Have the courage to let go of the past and make room for your best life to unfold. By doing so, you open yourself up to the possibility of building the healthy, supportive relationships you deserve. The journey may not be easy, but with determination and self-care, you can overcome the obsession and create the life you envision.